05/31: on expressing needs
đ We exist in an ecosystem of connection. And we need each other to find self liberation.
Good afternoon! I was thinking about the topic of âneedsâ this morning and so I threw this little piece together as an exploration, but also as an encouragement to you to explore and navigate and be unashamed of your needs.
Some of us have no one to talk to, to be real with, to share what weâre going through. Weâre afraid that there will be judgement, or that people wonât understand, or that weâll be perceived as weak.Â
Hey, some people wonât get it. Not everyone in your life is capable of managing their own fears and emotions, let alone being able to respond to yours. Not everyone understands what to say or how to respond to a need when we offer it.
But hereâs the thing â we need each other. We need each other desperately.Â
I believe that without community, there is no real liberation. We are healed, empowered, and defined within community, and we can find liberty in ourselves within this great social and relational web.
Hyper independence can sometimes see âneedâ as a failure of self. When weâve come to our lowest points, when weâre desperate, when all else has failed, thatâs when we reach out. We have a tendency to seek support as a last resort, calling our parents or texting a friend, if we have the courage to even do that.
But what if having need is strength of self?
Over these past few months, I have been asking for and receiving tremendous support in ways that have been deeply enriching for my heart. Letting people into my life, allowing them to see my need, and giving them permission to meet it, has created a support system of strength in a time of fragility and uncertainty. Itâs humbling to have needs, and maybe thatâs why we have them: to remind us that we were never meant to exist alone, disconnected from a network of love.
What would it look like to be unapologetic with our needs? What if we believed they were worth expressing, and that they deserved to at least be heard? And what if we gave people the opportunity to turn towards us, to meet us face-to-face in them?
Being connected to our needs is an interesting journey as an adult, especially if weâve learned to suppress or ignore them. At some point in our lives, some of us learned not to have obvious, external needs. Some of us learned, through observing others, that having needs is inconvenient, burdensome, or intense. Not having needs made us easier to love or easier to be with. If youâre anything like me, not having or expressing needs kept me safe from the inevitable disappointment that came when people werenât able to (or wanted to) meet me in them.
Thereâs a level of discernment and patience required to understand how to nurture ourselves in a variety of ways. I do believe there are many ways we meet our needs, and not all of them are relational. We satisfy need through prayer or meditation, reading and reflection, serendipity and spontaneity. We have a need to nurture the human part of ourselves â to eat vibrant, nourishing food, drink fresh and clean water, sleep deeply. We have a need for connection to nature, for water and sunlight. I also believe we have a need for silence, stillness, and solitude. Our needs are extensive. But we are not meant to do all of this alone. A great need we all have is for love and connection; for family and community; for belonging and affirmation. I believe our hearts need to hear: youâre doing a great job. I am proud of you. I am so glad youâre in my life. I am here for you.
Here are some questions to consider:
What do you need from yourself? Is it more kindness, compassion, and grace in this season of life? Do you need to go to bed earlier? Perhaps eat differently this week?
What do you need from others? Do you need more quality time with a friend? Perhaps youâre struggling with something and you donât have to carry it alone? Do you need help moving, putting food in your fridge, processing something hard? Reach out to someone. If thereâs no one else, please know I am here for you.
What do you need at work? Do you need to establish better boundaries? Do you need to give your boss feedback about how theyâre speaking to you? Maybe you know itâs time to move on, because you need a different rhythm. Are you willing to give that to yourself?
Whatever your needs are, this is a on-going lesson and a process of discovery. They may not all be met today, but you can work towards understanding them and making the ask.
Note: try to consider whether your âneedâ violates someoneâs free will or someone elseâs âneed.â Ex. âI need to be alone today, but you need to spend the day with me. Can we meet in the middle or find a solution that works for us both?â Be honest and candid, but also understand that some people may not want to or be able to meet that need. Our needs should be explored with wisdom and compassion for all people involved.
xx